A few nights ago I was on Facebook working on an application for a client (I promise) and I got a chat message from an unlikely person. I hate when people on Facebook use random pictures instead of their own for this very reason. I had just accepted a friend request from this person though when I accepted I thought she was someone else entirely. It turned out to be a friend of an ex girlfriend from college. I didn’t know her that well.

Long story short after small talk she asks if I’m single and we end up having this long chat about relationships and dating. She goes into how she despises dating and goes into how (she thinks) she’s so ideal and wonders why she is still single.

I tell her frankly that she must be crazy. Like Halle Berry type crazy. We all know Halle must be crazy and by that I don’t mean crazy as in insane asylum candidate but crazy in that no one is going to put up with her shit type crazy. The on the outside she looks like a keeper but you know in your gut that somethings wrong with that chick type crazy. Halle has been through one too many husbands to run the its not me its them defense.

I must admit though, I was impressed by her resume. Lady is very well educated comes from a good home (no daddy issues), has traveled extensively, loves to cook, has no baby daddy’s, and is attractive. Though after a lengthy chat her problem became apparent. For one she was cocky as shit. She admitted that there was nothing a man could offer her other than being around and sharing a life. I laughed at that. I also laughed at how she bragged about things like Nina Simone singing at her birthday parties growing up and other things of that nature.

This all came to a head when she went into the fact that the last dude left her because he said she did too much. She was puzzled at that. She said he had a trip with friends out of state and she got them hotels, and even sent them hangover baskets among other things. She did things she thought were sweet but most likely came across wrong because its not about doing a lot its about doing the right things.

He probably got away to get away… and also away from her as well. One well thought out gift is better than five random or wrong ones. So maybe her dude just didn’t want all that and she was feeling herself too much. I have been in that situation. Sort of.

Its like when a woman gets upset and feels that you don’t appreciate what she does for you when in fact you don’t want what she did or does in the first place. You would rather she did something else. If you throw a surprise party for me and I hate surprise party’s I will not appreciate it and I wont fake that.

Lets not shoot from the hip. Make it count by making sure it’s what he or she wants. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, or so they say.

Mike Epps is funny as hell. Saw him live last year and he tore it down… up… whatever.

Lazy as it gets. I shook my head for at least 10 minutes straight at this after spotting this at the airport on the customs line and had to take some snaps.

Should this be on stuffwhitepeoplelike.com ?

Seeing as how today is the anniversary of the untimely demise of arguably one of the greatest emcees I think its only right.

During my teenage years I lived only a few blocks from where Notorious BIG lived and hung out. A few blocks from Fulton Street in Bedstuy. The corner and blocks that you see in the Juicy video are literally a few blocks from where I lived. So yeah we were excited when that video came out. I also lived across the street from Buckshot at one point but I’ll save that for another time.

In any case one summer day after Ready To Die really just started to pick up steam in the streets we were hanging out on the block sitting on my steps cracking jokes. So a van pulled up with camera men and BIG rolled up in a truck. There was this illmatic vintage grafitti mural from the 80’s on my corner back then that said “Happy Birthday Best” (no one ever tagged over it) some will know where I am talking about strictly off that because there was also one of the biggest weed spots in Brooklyn around the other corner of this very same block. Even your favorite rappers from New Jersey made appearances to cop some there so yeah it was one of the buddah spots in Brooklyn back then. That is until on my way home from school one day there was a shooting in front of said weed spot and I saw a man murdered. But again that’s a tale for another day.

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So hold up. Im reading this blog and I guess I was living under a rock but I somehow missed the fact that Mos Def married this ex stripper chick after only knowing her for about four days. Whoa.

The kicker is that HE refuses to sign the divorce papers and they are still married today. I called it in my post about strippers. Show me a stripper that doesn’t have a sordid background and I’ll eat my words.

Some funny products come through the office to be marketed and this is no exception. Its’ DRANK!

Ignorance at its finest. I’m sure Lil Wayne drinks tons of this stuff. Sizzurrp anyone?

It reminds me of the Dave Chapelle skit about grape drink.

“What the fu*ck is Juice? I want some GRAPE DRINK! Its purple!”

“The Ingredients: Sugar, water… purple.”

“When life comes at you fast remember to slow your roll with DRANK.”

So I’m kidding about the Morehouse connection and Brother Malcolm like makeover of Shyne Barrow. This new look is a bit interesting compared to what we seen prior.

A Belize TV station reports that Def Jam head LA Reid arrived in Belize to sign Jamal “Shyne” Barrow to a reported 5-million dollar deal.

LA Reid just wanted a trip to Belize. C’mon son! A reformed Shyne with no talk of “the raw”, or “the block ” or that “china white” and all that will be a sit back with popcorn event.

Like they say, street smarts and common sense are not so common.
Apparently this dude picked the wrong fight.

Call The Amba’lampse!

I really do need to write these down. These pile up and I forget them. Obviously it was much easier to pull these from the text/sms list on my phone. Here goes:

“Not really sure where your head is at.”

How do you even answer that. Is that a question? At that point I don’t think she really wants to know. I’m thinking your corny. Have some tact.
-40 points.

“So r u being rude texting me right now?”

Obviously trying to find out if I am out on a date with someone else. Pretty lame, not slick and of course very obvious. Why not just ask?
-60 points.

“Kool yea would like 2 meet there if dats ok”

Are you seven years old? Really? Get this… this is supposed to be from a grown ass professional woman who manages multiple restaurants. At least use cool slang or whatever if you want to abbreviate. Unattractive. She probably watches BET as well though I didn’t stick around to find out.
-60 points + ejected

“What are we doing?”

Every guy has at some point fell prey to this number right here. I say this question is dumb because its like “How don’t you know? ARE YOU NOT HERE?.” It’s always a fuck moment. You don’t want to be super sarcastic which is entirely too easy and in most cases you know that the gig is up. You either have to accept the forthcoming label waiting to be bestowed upon you or you can jump out the window. Choose your own adventure. -60 points. (discounted points because I’m sure this damn question is instinctive for women and well it may be genetic and not be entirely their fault. Still don’t do it ladies. Please. No.)

“I think I’ll make you wait three months. Yeah! Three Months.”

I laughed out loud. At the time I wasn’t even sure I wanted up in that. Hilarious. She was much to old (mid to late 30’s) to be talking that nonsense. At that point I was pretty sure she was disqualified.

Bonus: Shortly there after we were on my rooftop deck drinking and it started drizzling and she made a comment about her weave. That was the end of that. The wombo combo of wackness.
-60 points + -40 point bonus + ejected